Slate 2016: Your Sparknotes for the Presidential Election

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Donald Trump

Donald Trump. Photo Credit: Flickr

Donald Trump

Skip-It ™ – The billionaire decided to punish one of his many rivals, Megyn Kelly and News Corporation, by sitting out on the Fox News hosted GOP debate just before the Iowa Caucus. Instead, Trump held a charity event for veterans’ just miles away from the battle. Adding insult to FNC’s injury, undercard debaters Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee attended the Trump-hosted event after the “kid’s table” debate concluded. Trump later admitted that going to debates is important.

Hawkeye’s Runner-up – After coming in second to Senator Ted Cruz in Iowa, Trump was one of the original whistleblowers of a Cruz campaign attempt to steal Iowa voters away from Dr. Ben Carson. Trump has continuously stated that he believes the Texas Senator “stole” his Iowa victory.

Welcome Back! – After his Fox News snub, The Donald came out of debate retirement in time to participate in the ABC News-hosted GOP debate just before the New Hampshire primary, to which he received an overall positive feedback on his performance from many pundits.

 

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz. Photo Credit: Flickr

Ted Cruz

Value This – Senator Cruz is unlikely to receive from New Yorkers due to a diss aimed at Donald Trump and his “New York values” at the most recent Fox Business Network debate. He managed to insult a population of over eight million Americans in the process of said diss.

Shady Iowa – Although the master of the filibuster walked away victorious from the earliest voting state, his win was somewhat overshadowed by his campaign’s dirty trick to steal Ben Carson reporters. After a failed attempt to blame the situation on a CNN report, the Cruz apologized to the retired neurosurgeon.

 

John Kasich

John Kasich. Photo Credit: Flickr

John Kasich

Honorable Mention – Although Trump won by a landslide, John Kasich, who is arguably the most moderate candidate on either side of the spectrum in the 2016 election, came in second place. Could this be the driving force the Ohio Governor’s campaign needs?

 

 

 

 

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton. Photo Credit: Flickr

Hillary Clinton

Winner by a Hair – As expected, Hillary Clinton emerged as the Democratic winner of the Iowa Caucus. What was not expected was by how little she won – by just a fraction of a percent!

Panic Ensues? – After a microscopic Iowa win and loss in New Hampshire, the once Democratic frontrunner might be shaking in her pantsuit. CNN reports that former President Bill Clinton worries that his wife’s campaign “lacks imagination.” The Washington Post reports that the Clinton Campaign is considering staff shakeups following the New Hampshire loss.

Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders. Photo Credit: Flickr

Bernie Sanders

The Bern is Felt – The 74-year-old Democratic Socialist Senator of Vermont continues to shock as his grass roots campaign continues to gain momentum with a landslide win in the New Hampshire primary and essentially tying Hillary Clinton in Iowa. The idea of nominee Sanders is now very much a real thing.

Mozel! – Sanders made national history by becoming the first ever Jewish person to win a presidential primary.

A-(social)List – Hillary Clinton may have the support of major stars including Mariah Carey and Katy Perry, but Hollywood is beginning to “feel the Bern.” The Red Hot Chili Peppers kicked off the first weekend of February by holding a fundraising concert for Sanders. Other celebrities Berning up are Danny Devito, Sarah Silverman, and Ben & Jerry’s, who are releasing a limited edition ice cream flavor in support of the candidate called “Bernie’s Yearning.”

 

The Results Are In!

Iowa

On the Right

Winner: Sen. Ted Cruz (27.6%)

Runner-up: Donald Trump (24.3%)

On the Left

Winner: Hillary Clinton (49.9%)

Runner-up: Sen. Bernie Sanders (49.6%)

 

New Hampshire

On the Right

Winner: Donald Trump (35.3%)

Runner-Up: Gov. John Kasich (15.8%)

On the Left

Winner: Sen. Bernie Sanders (60.4%)

Runner-Up: Hillary Clinton (38.0%)

Obituaries

The plug has been pulled on the following presidential campaigns since the beginning of 2016. May they rest in peace:

  • Rand Paul (R)
  • Martin O’Malley (D)
  • George Pataki (R)
  • Rick Santorum (R)
  • Mike Huckabee (R)
  • Carly Fiorina (R)
  • Chris Christie (R)

 

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Slate 2016: Your Sparknotes for the Presidential Election